My 9 year old daughter!

As I sit here this early morning at 4 a.m. unable to sleep I have something on my heart that as of last year June 6, 2013 only about 10 people knew about!  After I shared with my husband I have slowly shared with others, and wanted to with everyone, but honestly I owe it to absolutely no one to share this information(other than my husband and children), but it is something now that I am to proud of and have always loved so much I want everyone to know!  I will preface this blog with this...I can't imagine what people will say when they read this blog and what crazy rumors will fly,...especially when they don't read the blog and here it from someone else, but I sit here smiling because honestly...I don't care at all what rumors are started or what nasty things might be said...this is my life and my husband, children, my family, and the Lord know...that is the only approval I need!  So here it goes...I am happy to say that 9 years ago on June 2, 2005 I became a mother to a beautiful little girl!

           I was 20 years old and it was the most crazy, weird, sad, happy, beautiful day!  The story goes like this...In mid 2004 I became a single lady for the first time since my first week of my freshman year in high school.  Not much detail needs to go into how I got pregnant...because I'm pretty sure we all know about how that happens.  I will also say this long before I get into details...NONE of YOU... and I mean NONE OF YOU...know the father!  I can say that with 100% confidence!  Anyways...I found out I was pregnant long after I became pregnant...about mid February.  I remember finding out, but until the day I told my family I didn't believe it.  I actually hid it the entire time...not only from my parents, but from EVERY SINGLE person I knew!  I was living with my parents at the time, but the clothes I wore were baggy and I didn't gain much weight at all.  But after working a double at chilis on June 1st with my older sister we were driving home late that night together.  I could not keep it inside any longer...I was terrified...I had absolutely no idea what was going to happen..I didn't know how far along I was...and thinking about it now...I know it was God giving me the strength to tell her.  So on our way home from work I broke down and told her.  I was bawling and terrified of telling my parents.  No one wants to tell their parents they are pregnant(when you are single and young)...oh and by the way I'm pretty sure I'm far along...oh and on top of that I don't even know the father...oh and better yet...your little girl has had sex!  But because I was able to tell my beautiful sister that night....she helped me with my parents when I got home.  My mom was shocked, but I remember she was fairly calm, because I was not the only one that was scared...they were all as scared as me!  My daddy was asleep so my mom told him the next day without me there.  I can only imagine I completely broke his heart in to pieces, but he was nothing but supportive as both my sisters and mom were.  It was late that night after we got home and talked to my mom, so the following morning when we woke up we talked again and my mom, my sister, and I had come up with a decision on what I was going to do.  Keeping the baby to me was never an option at the time.  I was not ready for a baby...I only cared about myself...I was very selfish and humiliated and wanted no one to ever know what had happened.  We had decided the following week my sister and I would drive out to Las Vegas where my aunt lived and finish out the pregnancy and put the baby up for adoption there.  I was 100% on board with that, but God had different plans...and I am so thankful now that he did!

         So that morning after deciding we were headed to Vegas the following week...My sister and I had to both work a double again that day and night!  We both closed again and rode home together once again.  But on the way home I began having extreme pains in my stomach...they felt like extremely painful cramps, but not in a million years did I think I was in labor.  So when I got home and told my mom about the pain she said she thinks I must be in labor.  Her, my sister, and I got in the car and drove to the closest, but farthest hospital we could think of so that no one we knew would hopefully be there.  We ended up at Yukon hospital.  I don't think I was very far into labor yet, but I was for sure in labor.  I was terrified... I think more than anything I was in shock...as I'm sure my sister, mom, and dad were too.  After the doctors came in and checked me...and made darn sure that I knew what I had done was a horrible thing and absolutely ridiculous for just now being my first doctor visit...they did an ultra sound.  They said the baby was very small and more than likely a preemie and that I needed to be taken to a hospital with a NICU.  So they took me in an ambulance to Baptist.  Over the next several hours I was in labor and trying to figure out what I was going to do.  I still knew that I wanted to give the baby up for adoption, but at the time...I felt so selfish and ashamed of everything I had done...I told the nurses, doctor, and my family that as soon as the baby comes out I don't want to see it or hold it period.  I wanted to pick a family and them take the baby.  I was so ashamed of what was going on...I was not good enough for this baby.  To clear the word ashamed up...I was not ashamed of the baby, I was ashamed that I could be so selfish of another persons life.  Thank the good Lord...the nurse and my mom and sister talked me into holding her and having time with her after she was born.  Once she came out she was a full term healthy beautiful baby girl (Thank you Jesus)  I still could not believe what had just happened...less than 36 hours ago I told my family I was pregnant and now here she is.           After everything settled down my mom and sister told me if I wanted I could keep the baby.  They wanted me to know that that was an option.  All I had considered in that short amount of time was adoption, the thought of keeping her never crossed my mind.  They never tried to push it on me, but they wanted me to know we could raise this little girl together and that it could be a happy thing.  I think they didn't want me to make a rash decision and regret it, and I am so thankful for that, because if it were not for them...I would have never held her, or seen her beautiful face, and I would have chosen to have a closed adoption other than an open.  But I will say this...I absolutely not for one second regret the decision I made to put her up for adoption...and let me tell you why.  Because God put the most beautiful amazing family in front of me in a book that day that he had hand picked out himself to be that beautiful little girls mommy and daddy!  It was truly the Lord working in me that day, because I had gone through several books of families and all of them would have been a great pick, but when I came to them....I KNEW!  At the time they were I think 27 or 28 years old.  They had been together since they were in high school and got married.  All the time knowing that she was unable to have children.  I by the ways chose Deaconess homes(now I think it is called Deaconess adoption) as the adoption agency, which again was God choosing them for me, because that agency is truly amazing!  The book I look through to pick a family it just like a scrapbook.  It is all about their life and story.  Tons of pictures and info on them!  But what I think is the coolest thing for them...is that most people find out months before they get a baby.  This amazing couple found out one day before they got to take their beautiful little girl home.  What I found out last year was that the week before they had just finished there paper work and gotten in the system just a few days before I chose them!  WOW!  If God did not pick them to be her parents... WOW!    So once the Lord chose them I was told the following day they were coming up and I would get to meet them.  That was also the day they would take her home and I was being released to go home as well.  I spent lots of time with that beautiful little girl over that last day, but the entire time knowing what I was doing was the right thing.  I had chosen to have a semi-open adoption.  Which meant I knew their first names and they mine...but communication was all done through the agency!  Which at the time was exactly what I needed.  So happy it was not a closed adoption, but was not ready for a completely open one.  So the following day was the day my beautiful daughter got to meet her mom and dad and the first day they got to hold their sweet baby!  It as you can imagine was an extremely emotional day for us all!  My sisters, mom, and I were full of tears.  Let me stop right here really quick and say this...my mom, sisters, and daddy were my support system!  Without them and there continuous love for me through this entire time was so amazing..if I did not have them through this it could have turned out completely different.  Thank you is not enough for what they did for me!  I love them more than they will ever know!  I got to see them hold their daughter...and I think for me...seeing how happy and thankful they were was enough to make me know I had done the right thing.  But it was not til 8 years later that I really realized what I did!   

       After I left the hospital it was like nothing had ever happened.  I went about life as it was before as did my family!  At the time I think we all thought we would take it to the grave.  I was going on with my life, but receiving wonderful letters about this amazing growing little beauty that I gave birth to!  Her mom and dad were so amazing with sending me pictures and so many cards about how thankful they were for me.  It's kind of weird that I remember reading the cards and loving what they said to me and how thankful they were, but I don't think I ever realized what I did for them.  Since the day I met them I have known that this little girl was theirs not mine, so to me it never hit me at the time that I gave them a family.  (Well I can't take any credit for it...it was all the Lord)  I would send them and her cards and every birthday I would get her a present.  That was until Christmas 2008.  After that I completely cut off communication with them.

        The last thing I sent them was Christmas 2008, and I stopped picking anything up they had sent me after that time as well!  5 months earlier we had just had Madi Rae and was engaged to my husband.  The last thing I wanted was for him to find out about my past.  So I selfishly cut off communication.  She was three and a half at the time...and I had no communication with her or her family again until right after she turned 8.

         Flash forward to June 2013.  Over the past year Jonathan and I had started attending Life church!  We had started making small changes in our lives for the better, but by April our lives were completely different than they were before.  We started living our lives 100% for the Lord!  We joined a life group with some amazing people who we now call some of our closest friends.  And because of one couple in particular and a story they told...gave me the courage to tell me husband about my past.  On June 6, 2013 in the late afternoon...which of all days happened to be our 4th wedding anniversary,  I started feeling the Lord and his presence.  It was so unbelievably strong....and he was telling me that I had to tell Jonathan about my biological daughter.  I remember literally speaking to him...saying why today?  Why on our anniversary...when we have plans, no kids that night...why now?  But his conviction was so strong I literally could not breath!  I was sweating and in tears and I just knew I had to tell him the second he got home from work.  Of coarse I was only thinking the worst...he was going to leave me...divorce me...I don't know...all the time giving my husband no credit...and not considering he was a strong Christian man.  He came in from work and I brought him into the living room...as I was shaking and crying I told him I had to tell him something very important.  I started it off by letting him know that I had not cheated on him (which I can only imagine he thought that I was about to tell him that)  But I told him...and he did nothing but opened his arms and hugged me and told me it was ok!  Told  me he was so sorry I had to go through that and that he understood!  He was more supportive than I could have ever prayed for.  That night we continued with our plans and after we went by my parents house and I picked up all the pictures and letters from her family and shared them with him!  It doesn't surprise me that he reacted that way once I thought about it!  As I said before my husband is a strong understanding Christian man...and I could not be more thankful for him! 

          The next day I wrote an extremely long letter to Natalie and her parents telling her about the past 4 years.  After writing it I drove up to Deaconess adoption agency and gave it to them and told them they have not heard from me in over 4 years.  They remembered me and were so excited to get the letter to them.  Shortly after her mother gave them her phone number and e-mail to give me.  It was now an open adoption and I was so excited to contact them.  A few days later they had gotten my letter and they had sent me lots of stuff she had written over the years to me.  And a few weeks later Jonathan and I got to meet my beautiful 8 year old biological daughter.  It was one of the top days of my life!  I got to meet her parents again and meet her little brother that they had adopted 23 months after she was born.  I really thought once I told Jonathan about her and since we now have children of our own, I would at sometime regret what I had done.  I absolutely not one day have regretted giving her up for adoption.  Not because I didn't or don't love her, because I love her just like I love my other 2 daughters, but because like I said before...she was always made for them!  The Lord allowed me to give birth to this beautiful little girl for this amazing family that was unable to have children!  This whole situation was never about me...it has always been about her.  Her family since the very beginning has been 100% honest with her about adoption and me, which I think is the best way to be.  She had always wanted to meet me once she understood, and I am so honored that I had the privilege to meet her.  Since last June we have kept in contact!  

          We finally told the girls about her about 2 months ago...and let me tell you...they were so excited!  They completely understand it.  They understand that mommy carried her in her tummy just like I did them, but that she has a different mommy and daddy!  We decided to not say anything about her being their half sister because we knew they would figure that out and we wanted to force nothing on them.  A few days after we told them they came to me and told me they were going to call her their friend sister...because mommy carried her in her tummy and they know they are going to be good friends!  HEART MELTED!  Last Saturday the girls were able to meet their friend sister and Jonathan and I got to spend time with her and her family again!  We spent 4 hours at the park and the 3 girls looked so natural together!  They have not stopped talking about her since then!  She is such a special beautiful little girl...and I'm not gonna lie...she looks A LOT like me!  She holds such a special place in my heart and I feel so blessed that he allowed me to carry her!  Not only that, but oh my goodness...her family is amazing!  We have a natural relationship and they are such amazing people!  I feel so thankful that her parents have always been so open and honest with her about her adoption!  I do regret the 4 years I missed, but I have forgiven myself for that and have a fresh start with her.  Thankfully God, her, and her family have allowed that, but like I said before...it has never been about me...it has always and will always be about her!  I love this beautiful girl with everything I am!  And for those of you who think I am having my 3rd girl....it's actually my 4th:)  GOD IS SO GOOD and all of this is because of him.  Something 9 years ago I thought was such a horrible thing and something I was so ashamed of...has become one of the very best things that has ever happened to me!

       I will end this extremely long blog like this....ASK ME ANYTHING!  This is a completely open subject with me!  I am not ashamed or embarrassed and you should not be either to ask me or text me anything!  I would rather you ask me a question than assume something or not ask me!  I will answer any question and have absolutely nothing to hide!  I could not be more happy to let you all know about this amazing journey in my life!  I also wrote this blog to maybe help someone!  When a small portion of my story was shared at church I had someone come tell me thank you because she had a similar story, but kept it from her parents because she lived in another state when she had the child.  I will say it one more time...ask me questions...don't make nasty things up or assume!  Hope you all have a beautiful day!